I've Learned A Lot Since the Worst Day of My Life

It was just last year; February 25, 2010. It was the day after my 39th birthday. I honestly cannot explain how I got there but by 5 p.m. that day I was on my kitchen floor with nothing left but suicide plans.

I was a messed up angry kid. A freaked out adolescent who grew up too quickly and had too many boyfriends that were all far too old for me. By the age of 15 I'd smoked a lot of pot and hash, put a lot of white crap up my nose and swallowed an entire pharmacy of speed. Of course I had started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes at age 10; after all I was growing up with a single mom in what was dubbed "Sin City." This little hell hole we called home was a large trailer court in a third-ring suburb of the Twin Cities. As a little kid who notices, right? But by the time you're 10 or so and you realize your friend's moms are prostitutes and drug dealers and they were all left by their abusive husbands, you begin to conclude this is not heaven on earth and something is drastically wrong with my life.

I was surrounded by drugs, alcohol, perversion and poverty. The first time I saw a porn flick I was cleaning house for $10 for this gross alcoholic pig down the street. He was having some friends over and they were always putting away large bottles of Jack Daniels, dropping acid, and whatever else they could get their hands on. During the "party" they popped in a movie. Initially I thought, "yeah!" because we didn't get movies at our house. We didn't have cable or a VCR like a lot of folks did by then. But this was not a nice movie. Not totally understanding it all then, it was a full blown porn flick in which the finale was a bunch of females getting raped. I was 10 years old.

By the time I was 12 I had been sexually violated or attacked three times by three different male predators. Thank God I was never actually raped, nonetheless this 12-year-old girl learned that being a girl meant being a victim.

By age 21 I had met and moved in with a man that was 12 years my senior, married twice before and had a son who lived with his mother. When I was 31 this relationship ended in a very devastating manner. This however is the topic for another time.

I think you get the picture. Point is, this is a snapshot of the life I lived--or survived I should say. These were the circumstances I was born into. By the time I was 20 I had seen and experienced hundreds of things God never designed us to endure. (I'm writing a book that tells the whole story--but I have no intention of publishing it until my fairy tale breakthrough has thoroughly graced my life. I'm still waiting on that part.)

From age 13-15 all I remember is drugs and mild suicide attempts. For some reason, by the grace of God, when I turned 15 I completely changed course. I became a super type A over achiever. I'm sure I didn't have the wisdom or insight to think it at the time but something triggered in me that responded with "Well, maybe, if I try really hard, I can control my life and it will be better."

That doesn't work either.

By my late twenties I was a train wreck. Workaholic, people pleasing, unhappy mess. I was with a man who was such a narcissist that he only cared about what this did to him. He would threaten rather than console. He would criticize everything--even my earrings! And oddly enough, he would discourage my story telling: often telling me to be quiet or don't be so detailed. Everybody thought he was such a great guy. So did I. I talked him up like he was the closest thing to Jesus himself! After all, he didn't drink or beat me up, right? Oh my, what the lens of low standards can distort.

Well, did you know that all this hardship, pain, fear, disappointment causes tremendous emotional and physical distress?

The next time you're wondering why someone behaves the way they do, take a moment to pray for them. Ask God to heal whatever wrongs this life has dealt that person. After just plain old rebellion from God, all this hurt is why we sin. Have you ever heard the expression, "Hurt people hurt people."?

Little did I know that years of depression and downright battles with having to be inside my own head were due to my body's inability to keep compensating for unhealthy physical and emotional well-being.

Back to that worst day: here's what happened. Like I said, it was the day AFTER my birthday. I was still trying to recover from the last two years of disappointment and stress: surgery, burglary at my home, job change, some financial hardship and a growing bitterness that years are passing and my knight in shining armor still hasn't come--while the ex has been on his fourth relationship since just a few months after he left! WTC?! Why does that always seem to work out that way? Anyway, by evening of that horrible horrible day, I was curled up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor trying to figure out how to make my death as easy as possible for my family.

I told God I didn't care anymore, I give up. I don't have what it takes and quite frankly I was pissed off that He didn't seem to care. That was it. For some reason He gave me a crappy life and I couldn't get anything to work in my favor no matter how hard I tried. I surrendered. But for me that meant I am checking out.

God did care of course. But He can only do what we allow Him to do. At that last critical moment, He gave me one last ounce of hope and I called my counselor on her cell phone. Initially she didn't pick up and I yelled at God again, "Seriously! I make an effort and nothing!! OMG I can't wait to be done with this crap."

Less than an hour later she called back. She was gentle and concerned. She lovingly advised me to call someone--my sister--and ask her to come over. When my sister arrived she was to call my counselor back. She told my sister just to be there. To help me just shut down the brain and do something good for myself--a bath, some food, something. I had never thought of that: when these bad bad days would come, I fought like hell which made it all worse! It never occurred to me that some self care and extra rest might make life seem more manageable. That was a new tool for my toolbox!

My sister drew me a bath, gave me a facial, tucked me in by 7 p.m. and I woke up the next day. I wasn't completely sure I was happy to still be alive but I was glad the devil didn't win.

Jesus did not offer His life just to see us hate ours and let death and destruction win. I had never dreamed depression could get that bad. For almost two years I battled for joy and happiness. Two things kept me from jumping off a bridge: 1) Jesus deserves better from me, and 2) Some how, some way, some day, God's faithfulness would be apparent to me and those around me and He would use this for something. He promises over and over again to deliver us, and Romans 8:28--my favorite scripture--promises that God uses all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I knew I qualified for that darn it and I wanted to see how this thing was going to turn out.

A few days later I went to the doctor, now finally willing to try a temporary medical treatment. That doctor spend an hour and 45 minutes with me. That never happens! (I guess God does care.) After a few attempts to try to get me to tell him what was going on, he said, "Tell me about your life."

I started giving him an emotion-free fly over of the "highlights" and stated, "... I know, I know, my life isn't any better or worse than anyone else. I just don't seem to have what it takes to deal with life." He stopped me and said, "It sounds kinda bad Kari. Your life has been hard. These are not normal things that happen to everyone. Tell me Kari, how have you dealt with these things?" Dealt with them?! Are you kidding me! What does that even mean?? And then I asked him, "What does that mean? How do you deal with hell on earth? You suck it up and keep moving. I just can't seem to keep moving anymore." To which he replied with several tales of stories that walk into his office. Pastor's wives requesting an STD test because she has been cheating. Mothers who come in announcing their drug abuse. People doing horrific things to themselves--but usually to other people. The doctor was also a Christian which was really helpful. (Did I mention that I figured out that God really did care? : ) The doctor asked me, "Do you drink? Do drugs? Did you cheat on your husband? Do you steal from your boss? Are you promiscuous?" No. No. No. No. No. "See Kari, unfortunately we all get hurt, we all sin, and we all act out one way or another as a result. God wants to give us what we need to deal in a healthy, healing way but He can't make us do it His way. I see people all the time who are acting out in those other ways; you obviously turn it all inside. That's a lot of poison to just carry around with you. Let's see if you we can't find you some healthy ways to respond to life."

Ha! I thought my internalizing WAS healthy! At least I wasn't running around hurting people. Wow. That was a major revelation for me.

I left that day with an understanding that changed my life forever. I've never had another bad day like that--and never will. I guess I needed someone to acknowledge that bad things had happened to me. It was like I couldn't acknowledge it until someone else gave me permission. I spent some weeks with my counselor after that going over and through some things. I had been seeing her on and off for about a year and hadn't shared some of my most devastating experiences. I learned so much so fast after that. And finally, FINALLY! someone helped me acknowledge some things, deal with them, and find new ways to cope.

With a clearer head and so much shame washed away, I've been able to settle into some things and learn more about the "lessons of life."

Every challenge is an opportunity to grow in something--a skill or a maturity you don't already have. While God's timing often seems down right cruel, He is never late. God always has a plan to see you smile again but He's also working on a bigger picture. More often than not, the pain we're suffering is because we just don't want to go through the thing that God has brought or allowed in our life. But that "thing" is one of those "things" (remember Romans 8:28?) He is going to use all together for your good--if you love Him. I even understand on a deeper level why Jesus had to die for us. We're broken. We are all sinners. There's not a chance for any one of us to be good enough on our merits to get to heaven. It's like Jesus said, "Baby, I know you're a mess but I love you anyway. Let me do this for you." Now if only I could find a less divine man here on earth to do the same. : )

Now, after so much recovery and wisdom gained, I know with all that is within me that God created me to write, tell, share. As a matter of fact, a friend recently said to me, "Kari, you have the most amazing gift for articulating Who God is." Sorry Mr. Ex, I'm going to keep talking (and writing)--longer and louder! Because if God created me to be able to tell others Who He is, I think I've found a purpose worth living for.

Driving Behind the Storm--a testimony

A re-post/publish from July 2007

I was in Fargo and Grand Forks, North Dakota on a business trip this week. On my way home Wednesday night I learned of some storms baring down on the Twin Cities.

First, let me take you back to Wednesday morning.

I had stayed in Fargo overnight and was meeting my client in Grand Forks at 9 am. I got on the road at 8 am for my one hour and 15 minute trip. Eek! Then, while driving somewhere between 85 to 90 mph in a 75, the Lord began to convict me about speeding. Of course, I argued with Him.

Skipping the ugly details of how and why a rebellious little runt argues with her heavenly Father, I agreed to go only five miles over the speed limit (which in my justification is within legal limits. Ugh, I need work). I set my cruise for 80 (so I wouldn't be tempted further) and rested in the knowledge that God would bless my obedience. He even ministered to me that He is the author of all and He was able to bring about perfect timing. I arrived at 9 am.

I enjoyed this am encounter and blessing for the bulk of the day as I knew in my heart that God was working to remind me to come back to His schedule and timing and trust Him -- always and in all things. Be still and know He is God.

Later, I was leaving Northwood, ND at 4:45 pm, headed for home. I was, however, a little upset because I had hoped to get out of there by 3:30 pm -- at the latest -- to arrive in Minneapolis with a little time to gether myself before bedtime and back to the office the next day.

While driving out of no-where-land Northwood, ND (beautiful farmland) I again heard that soft gentlevoice from within, telling me to rest in Him and believe that He has a plan and a purpose in the delay. I struggled in my flesh for another minute or two (I know, I know, I already said I need work!) and then chose to rest, the peace came, I set the cruise control for five miles over the speed limit and navigated my way out of God's country.

Before I knew it, I was already in Fargo -- only 3.5 hours from home! Hallehlujah!!! There was a lot of construction and I was on the phone with my friend as a waved goobye to the famous little border city. All seemed right with the world. Until ... yikes! Where am I?! I suddenly found myself snapping out of auto pilot in the midst of unfamiliar territory. Ugh! I missed the 94 Exit! Some XX miles back in Fargo! Oh for pete's!

I turned around. A careful odometer reading revealed that I'd traveled eight miles out of the city before I came out of my little place of traveling bliss and into that unfamiliar patch of road that exposed my inattention. Dang it! 16 miles out of the way! Surely I wouldn't get home now till like ... November!!!

Eight miles back to Fargo. An uneasy transfer to Interstate 94 East! East! And I was back on course. More delay. Drat. Boogers and poop! This is too much! But then ... once again, that sweet, kind, patient nudge (the Lord of course!) ... this delay too is not without purpose.

About four more miles out of Fargo -- 256 miles from Minneapolis -- I got over myself and my idiodic error, and rested again in the comfort of knowing that the Lord has me covered -- always and in all things.

Another hour goes by. To pass the time I licked the cheesy powder off several Lays stackers chedder "potato chips" and tossed the chip out the window not wanting to consume ALL the calories as I sat on my butt for another half-day of travel. Then I began to call other friends to make some human contact and find loving reminder that I was not really alone on the planet.

I called my friend Laura, but she wasn't home. Her sister/roommate was however. She informed me of Laura's evening itinerary and that the cities were experiencing some severe weather. I suddenly realized that for some time now I had been seeing a lot of lightening ahead. Hmm.

Lightening flashed all around, from cloud to cloud, from cloud to ground -- a spectular display that seemed to be announcing my return home. All the while it was far in front of me. I heard nothing of the weather on any radio station. I knew nothing of severe anything. Just a pretty, sufficiently distant display of nature.

I gently pressed the peddle of my rented Chevy Malibou and creeped through an underwater North Minneapolis at 10:15 pm as I gazed at the downed branches and debris left behind by an evening barage of atmospheric upheaval. For a moment I thought; dear Lord! my basement could be a 2,000 gallon fish tank by now! -- I pulled onto my concrete parking slab, turned off the car, gathered by belongings and waided through my swimming sod. I unlocked the back door to my home, entered, set my things down ... I was home. And then ... I heard the first drop of rain I had seen or heard all evening.

My basement -- dry as a desert.

Devine timing. Supernatural protection. And no harm to my tent. He is such a good God.

Thank you Lord. You deserve much glory and all our praise!!!


I pray that you and your families are all well and safe.


For those of you that don't know, the Twin Cities got whooped Wednesday eve -- including two tornados in major suburban areas.

Shut Up Already: He Can Do It Through You

Have you ever been faced with something you had to do, but you thought "I cannot do this. I don't even have the ability to do this. God, why are you forcing me to fail? Why would you even put me in a position to be responsible for something I cannot accomplish: how on earth could You be glorified in that?!" I was in this pickle, back in 2002 and learned a very valuable lesson.

It was several months after we laid off our creative director/copywriter. We had a new client for which we had committed to help with their branding. Among other things, this assignment would require a lot of writing. Not just writing--really good writing. Clever, comprehensive, inspiring writing. Just one problem; we didn't have a copywriter anymore and we couldn't afford a freelancer. Somebody had to do it and since I was the only one that could spell, it was going to be up to me.

The endeavor started out okay--I love a challenge and refuse to back down from anything. But if inexperience and lack of confidence weren't enough; as it turned out I had to start writing the client's "brand story" at 8 p.m. the night before the 8 a.m. presentation. No worries, I can do it--I guess. (We were swamped, broke after 9/11 and working 12-16 hours a day. That's a lot of hours to try to be creative.)

I was exhausted, hungry, angry at the situation, and couldn't get two thoughtful sentences on the page. Only 2-3 pages to go. I think it was about 9:30 p.m. when I started to break down. I was scared to death of failing, mad at God for putting me in this position, physically and emotionally drained--let's just say the natural ability to accomplish this task wasn't even within the realm of earthly possibility. It was all over. And of course I was the only one in the office working and worrying about this thing: naturally the owners were at home playing with their families. Nice.

I lost it. I thought my muscles were going to revolt and leave me like a boneless chicken. I thought I would never be able to look at the bosses again without scratching their eyes out. I thought we would lose the client and I was mad as a hornet that God had laid that in my lap.

Eyeballs swollen, I went to the ladies room, threw myself on the floor and bawled. I was yelling at God!!! Then started praying in tongues to keep myself from cussing at Him (I'm sure He could have handled it but I couldn't). I stayed there till I was all poured out. Exhausted, with no hope left in being able to get this thing done, I said, "God, You put me in this predicament, I need You to do something. Why would You say You'll be glorified through me and then allow this to happen? I can't do this. Did You hear me, I CANNOT DO THIS!!! You put me in this position and You better do something about it! I am going back in there and I am going to type whatever pops into my mind. I hope it's good because I wanna go home."

I grabbed a soda, dragged my sorry tail back to my desk, set my keyboard square in front of me, exhaled and literally typed every word that came to my mind.

Maybe 30 minutes later I struck the period at the bottom of page 2 and concluded that was that--good or bad.

The next morning, one hour before presentation, I read it. It was one of the best brand stories I'd ever read! WHAT?! For real. I passed it around. They guys all thought it was great--really great--and they were ready for the meeting. Miffed that they had no idea what it took to birth that thing, I smiled because He had done it. I finally understood what it means to come to the end of myself, to allow Him to work through me, and He was in fact glorified--I knew He did it. And now you do too. : )

This sounds ridiculous doesn't it? I had heard of things like this and thought, "yah, right." I wish it wasn't so darn painful to get to the place where we give up, but wow, when we do, He really is faithful beyond what you can think or imagine. To this day, I can write, anywhere, anytime. I just have to make myself available.

Just yesterday my boss (I do marketing for a Christian school now) told me in my review that I have the greatest writing gift he's ever seen. PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Don't run from the edge of your comfort zone. Please, run toward it. When you're getting to the end of your rope, He is just getting started.

God bless you and all He puts your hand to.

Why Blog?

SONLUVR became a lover and follower of Jesus Christ in July of 2000. It was my last 20-something year and I had experienced some success but my life was painfully out of order. I was a workaholic, living with my boyfriend, had no time for people, was falling apart physically due to too much ongoing stress, was emotionally volatile and high maintenance, and quite frankly I was on the expressway to premature death and an eternity in hell. Jesus Christ came "knocking at my door" through my very best friend. She had gotten "born again" and started telling me about her experiences, her new church, the bible, she would pray for me, etc. Honestly, I thought she was nuts.

My friend is one of those "extreme" people; you know the type, completely all or nothing with whatever is going on in their life that month. I remember thinking, "If she doesn't talking about something other than this Jesus guy, I'm not going to be able to talk to her anymore." Fortunately, and what I didn't know, is God was doing something in me--making me like Him! About a year into this journey with my friend, I visited her in Alaska. It was the vacation of a lifetime! Ten days of deep sea fishing, rafting down and salmon fishing on the Kenai River, camping in a remote location on a lake we flew to! It was amazing. The best part of the whole trip however was the visit to her church. Her pastor preached like a real person. The people there were non-judgmental and very warm and welcoming. The music was fun! There was so sleeping, no confusing rituals, no boring hymnals (although I love old hymns now!), and at the very end her pastor asked if there were people who would like to ask Jesus for forgiveness and welcome Him into their life. ME ME ME!!! There was something in me that couldn't wait to get to the front of that room and say a prayer in front of all those people.

That day, I laid down my fear and my pride and decided that I needed a Savior. I suddenly realized that almost my entire life flew in the face of what God designed me for and what He wanted. I was suddenly brightly aware of how mankind in general lives in complete rebellion to a loving God. And I made a simple decision to believe that Jesus really was a man, really was God's Son, that He lived to teach us, died and suffered in our place for everything we deserve, and revealed a power our earthly minds can barely comprehend in rising from the dead. "He lives" was once a weird religious lyric to me, but that day, somewhere deep inside me, I knew there was something to it.

The story of my life, my trials, my faith, and how I came to know (and continue to learn about) the love of my life, will be the content of this blog. My prayer is that God will use my words, my story, to bless you, encourage you, and lead some to Christ.