I've Learned A Lot Since the Worst Day of My Life

It was just last year; February 25, 2010. It was the day after my 39th birthday. I honestly cannot explain how I got there but by 5 p.m. that day I was on my kitchen floor with nothing left but suicide plans.

I was a messed up angry kid. A freaked out adolescent who grew up too quickly and had too many boyfriends that were all far too old for me. By the age of 15 I'd smoked a lot of pot and hash, put a lot of white crap up my nose and swallowed an entire pharmacy of speed. Of course I had started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes at age 10; after all I was growing up with a single mom in what was dubbed "Sin City." This little hell hole we called home was a large trailer court in a third-ring suburb of the Twin Cities. As a little kid who notices, right? But by the time you're 10 or so and you realize your friend's moms are prostitutes and drug dealers and they were all left by their abusive husbands, you begin to conclude this is not heaven on earth and something is drastically wrong with my life.

I was surrounded by drugs, alcohol, perversion and poverty. The first time I saw a porn flick I was cleaning house for $10 for this gross alcoholic pig down the street. He was having some friends over and they were always putting away large bottles of Jack Daniels, dropping acid, and whatever else they could get their hands on. During the "party" they popped in a movie. Initially I thought, "yeah!" because we didn't get movies at our house. We didn't have cable or a VCR like a lot of folks did by then. But this was not a nice movie. Not totally understanding it all then, it was a full blown porn flick in which the finale was a bunch of females getting raped. I was 10 years old.

By the time I was 12 I had been sexually violated or attacked three times by three different male predators. Thank God I was never actually raped, nonetheless this 12-year-old girl learned that being a girl meant being a victim.

By age 21 I had met and moved in with a man that was 12 years my senior, married twice before and had a son who lived with his mother. When I was 31 this relationship ended in a very devastating manner. This however is the topic for another time.

I think you get the picture. Point is, this is a snapshot of the life I lived--or survived I should say. These were the circumstances I was born into. By the time I was 20 I had seen and experienced hundreds of things God never designed us to endure. (I'm writing a book that tells the whole story--but I have no intention of publishing it until my fairy tale breakthrough has thoroughly graced my life. I'm still waiting on that part.)

From age 13-15 all I remember is drugs and mild suicide attempts. For some reason, by the grace of God, when I turned 15 I completely changed course. I became a super type A over achiever. I'm sure I didn't have the wisdom or insight to think it at the time but something triggered in me that responded with "Well, maybe, if I try really hard, I can control my life and it will be better."

That doesn't work either.

By my late twenties I was a train wreck. Workaholic, people pleasing, unhappy mess. I was with a man who was such a narcissist that he only cared about what this did to him. He would threaten rather than console. He would criticize everything--even my earrings! And oddly enough, he would discourage my story telling: often telling me to be quiet or don't be so detailed. Everybody thought he was such a great guy. So did I. I talked him up like he was the closest thing to Jesus himself! After all, he didn't drink or beat me up, right? Oh my, what the lens of low standards can distort.

Well, did you know that all this hardship, pain, fear, disappointment causes tremendous emotional and physical distress?

The next time you're wondering why someone behaves the way they do, take a moment to pray for them. Ask God to heal whatever wrongs this life has dealt that person. After just plain old rebellion from God, all this hurt is why we sin. Have you ever heard the expression, "Hurt people hurt people."?

Little did I know that years of depression and downright battles with having to be inside my own head were due to my body's inability to keep compensating for unhealthy physical and emotional well-being.

Back to that worst day: here's what happened. Like I said, it was the day AFTER my birthday. I was still trying to recover from the last two years of disappointment and stress: surgery, burglary at my home, job change, some financial hardship and a growing bitterness that years are passing and my knight in shining armor still hasn't come--while the ex has been on his fourth relationship since just a few months after he left! WTC?! Why does that always seem to work out that way? Anyway, by evening of that horrible horrible day, I was curled up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor trying to figure out how to make my death as easy as possible for my family.

I told God I didn't care anymore, I give up. I don't have what it takes and quite frankly I was pissed off that He didn't seem to care. That was it. For some reason He gave me a crappy life and I couldn't get anything to work in my favor no matter how hard I tried. I surrendered. But for me that meant I am checking out.

God did care of course. But He can only do what we allow Him to do. At that last critical moment, He gave me one last ounce of hope and I called my counselor on her cell phone. Initially she didn't pick up and I yelled at God again, "Seriously! I make an effort and nothing!! OMG I can't wait to be done with this crap."

Less than an hour later she called back. She was gentle and concerned. She lovingly advised me to call someone--my sister--and ask her to come over. When my sister arrived she was to call my counselor back. She told my sister just to be there. To help me just shut down the brain and do something good for myself--a bath, some food, something. I had never thought of that: when these bad bad days would come, I fought like hell which made it all worse! It never occurred to me that some self care and extra rest might make life seem more manageable. That was a new tool for my toolbox!

My sister drew me a bath, gave me a facial, tucked me in by 7 p.m. and I woke up the next day. I wasn't completely sure I was happy to still be alive but I was glad the devil didn't win.

Jesus did not offer His life just to see us hate ours and let death and destruction win. I had never dreamed depression could get that bad. For almost two years I battled for joy and happiness. Two things kept me from jumping off a bridge: 1) Jesus deserves better from me, and 2) Some how, some way, some day, God's faithfulness would be apparent to me and those around me and He would use this for something. He promises over and over again to deliver us, and Romans 8:28--my favorite scripture--promises that God uses all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I knew I qualified for that darn it and I wanted to see how this thing was going to turn out.

A few days later I went to the doctor, now finally willing to try a temporary medical treatment. That doctor spend an hour and 45 minutes with me. That never happens! (I guess God does care.) After a few attempts to try to get me to tell him what was going on, he said, "Tell me about your life."

I started giving him an emotion-free fly over of the "highlights" and stated, "... I know, I know, my life isn't any better or worse than anyone else. I just don't seem to have what it takes to deal with life." He stopped me and said, "It sounds kinda bad Kari. Your life has been hard. These are not normal things that happen to everyone. Tell me Kari, how have you dealt with these things?" Dealt with them?! Are you kidding me! What does that even mean?? And then I asked him, "What does that mean? How do you deal with hell on earth? You suck it up and keep moving. I just can't seem to keep moving anymore." To which he replied with several tales of stories that walk into his office. Pastor's wives requesting an STD test because she has been cheating. Mothers who come in announcing their drug abuse. People doing horrific things to themselves--but usually to other people. The doctor was also a Christian which was really helpful. (Did I mention that I figured out that God really did care? : ) The doctor asked me, "Do you drink? Do drugs? Did you cheat on your husband? Do you steal from your boss? Are you promiscuous?" No. No. No. No. No. "See Kari, unfortunately we all get hurt, we all sin, and we all act out one way or another as a result. God wants to give us what we need to deal in a healthy, healing way but He can't make us do it His way. I see people all the time who are acting out in those other ways; you obviously turn it all inside. That's a lot of poison to just carry around with you. Let's see if you we can't find you some healthy ways to respond to life."

Ha! I thought my internalizing WAS healthy! At least I wasn't running around hurting people. Wow. That was a major revelation for me.

I left that day with an understanding that changed my life forever. I've never had another bad day like that--and never will. I guess I needed someone to acknowledge that bad things had happened to me. It was like I couldn't acknowledge it until someone else gave me permission. I spent some weeks with my counselor after that going over and through some things. I had been seeing her on and off for about a year and hadn't shared some of my most devastating experiences. I learned so much so fast after that. And finally, FINALLY! someone helped me acknowledge some things, deal with them, and find new ways to cope.

With a clearer head and so much shame washed away, I've been able to settle into some things and learn more about the "lessons of life."

Every challenge is an opportunity to grow in something--a skill or a maturity you don't already have. While God's timing often seems down right cruel, He is never late. God always has a plan to see you smile again but He's also working on a bigger picture. More often than not, the pain we're suffering is because we just don't want to go through the thing that God has brought or allowed in our life. But that "thing" is one of those "things" (remember Romans 8:28?) He is going to use all together for your good--if you love Him. I even understand on a deeper level why Jesus had to die for us. We're broken. We are all sinners. There's not a chance for any one of us to be good enough on our merits to get to heaven. It's like Jesus said, "Baby, I know you're a mess but I love you anyway. Let me do this for you." Now if only I could find a less divine man here on earth to do the same. : )

Now, after so much recovery and wisdom gained, I know with all that is within me that God created me to write, tell, share. As a matter of fact, a friend recently said to me, "Kari, you have the most amazing gift for articulating Who God is." Sorry Mr. Ex, I'm going to keep talking (and writing)--longer and louder! Because if God created me to be able to tell others Who He is, I think I've found a purpose worth living for.